alright screw it i’ll tell it
so one day dionysus, god of partying, grows tired of his empty lifestyle, filled with drugs, sex, wild raves and sex. something is missing from his life. and it’s definitely not sex.
after some contemplation, he decides it’s his mum he needs. bad news is, she died before he was born. yep, when dionysus was but two months worth of baby mush in the womb, his foolish mortal mother begged his very immortal father, zeus (maybe you’ve heard of him), to reveal his true form to her. he refused, and she was all, but zeus, i’m carrying your child, how will i know if he has your eyes. and he refused, and she was all, DUDE, and he’s like, for fuck’s sake. and revealed himself to her
naturally, the sight burnt her away to nothing, leaving little baby mush over here without a womb to gestate in. zeus fixed that by sewing baby mush into his thigh, which i’m sure you all know already, carrying little baby dionysus to term his damn self. god knows why the thigh seemed like the first choice, they literally never explain that part. oh, yeah, his thigh.
anyway. mum’s dead and dionysus has a hole in his heart where she ought to be.
good news is, it’s ancient greece! like in supernatural, death is a revolving door. dionysus decides to travel to the underworld, find his mother, and bring her back to life.
the greeks of dionysus’ time believed that gateways to hades were sort of scattered all over the mortal realm; you didn’t have to sacrifice a lamb or anything to get in, just find the right cave or whatever other portal to the underworld (mostly caves). but they could be hard to find. dionysus was having trouble finding his. he knew the general geographic area it should be in, but it was quite a wide area, and, being the god of partying, he probably wasn’t feeling very well-oriented that day, or any day of his immortal life. he wandered around the forest, getting more and more lost, and more and more frustrated, and for some reason never calling on one of his fellow gods for directions
eventually, he stumbles across this old man’s house. he asks the old man, do you know where the gateway is? and the old man says, yes. dionysus says, will you take me to it? and the old man says, yes, but only if you sleep with me.
and dionysus says, jeez, fine, but i’m in kind of a hurry right now, can it wait?
and the old man says yes.
so dionysus is allowed to enter the underworld, he finds his mum, their reunion is joyous. he brings her back to the surface with him and is walking her back to, i actually don’t know where, does he have a house? if yes, is that house Mom suitable? again, i reiterate, this is the god of partying.
but anyway, at some point on their journey out of the forest, he remembers the old man.
damn. Mom, wait right there! gotta bone an old guy, long story
he goes back to the old man’s house. but when he gets there, he finds that the old man died during his absence. SAVED BY THE BELL, YOU MIGHT WELL THINK. but no
dionysus is an honourable god. he keeps his promises
so he goes to the old man’s grave. he cuts a branch down from a nearby tree and carves it into a phallus. he squats down over the old man’s grave, and …
And that’s the greek origin story of the dildo.
this is still my favourite ancient greece story, i think about it often